Untie the Rope

Most therapists have a collection of little stories or metaphors that we use to illustrate certain rules for healthy living.

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One that comes to mind today is a metaphor I would use often with codependent clients when they had trouble detaching from an unhealthy situation or person. 

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The session would go something like this:
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Client: “I just can’t stop loving him, but he stole money from my purse again. And last night he was so out of it he punched a hole in his bedroom wall. This morning he was remorseful and promised he’d never do it again. But I’ve heard all that before.”
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Me: “Last week you mentioned forcing him to move out, since he is refusing to get help.”
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Client: “I think that’s what I want when I’m angry. But, I just can’t stop loving him. He’s my child.”
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(And so here comes my little metaphor.) 
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Me: “So, it’s like you and your adult son are on a lake in two canoes tied together by a rope. His canoe is taking on water. You’ve told him how to plug the hole, but he doesn’t seem to hear you. You think that maybe, somehow, you can keep his canoe afloat by the sheer strength of the rope. But, the reality is that if his canoe goes under it will drag yours under too, and you will both drown.”

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^{A metaphor for your practice}‍

I’ve told that story many times. So, why am I telling it to you? Because there’s a chance that, somewhere in your therapy practice, there’s a rope that you should consider untying.

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Perhaps it’s a therapist you hired who is driving clients away with poor techniques; a hyper-dependent client who repeatedly wakes you up at 3:00 a.m. with desperate phone calls; or slow-pay clients who are threatening the economic health of your practice.

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^{Giving too much}

Therapists tend to be givers. We’re 'helping professionals' and can justifiably have a bit of pride in that fact. But this asset is also a potential liability. We are more susceptible to codependency than the population at large.

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Most therapists are naturally empathetic and caring individuals. Being highly-attuned to the emotions of others can lead to being overly invested in their well-being to the point of neglecting your own.

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^{When a relationship has become codependent}

Untying the rope should never be done capriciously. An occasional 3:00 a.m. phone call is acceptable for a client in danger - this is what we signed up for. It’s ok to have a pro-bono case or two, and sometimes an unskilled employee can improve over time.

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But if the other canoe is taking on more and more water, and the other boater is ignoring your good advice about plugging the hole, it is time for action.